Decisions

How is it one can find what they need without even looking for it?
I sit here contemplating my coming wedding thinking maybe this isn't what I want. but my delimma is difficult because I think my heart was stolen. But unfortunately it's not an option. Talking over the phone I fell for you, but in person your just you. What do I do? I don't know or understand. I'm 25 yet still so young. I haven't figured out life yet. I wish I could take it all back. From the moment I realized I fell for you to the moment I realized I didn't love you anymore. But I can't. Instead I sit here waiting for the day that it's permanent and I'm stuck.
Because I'm just an endless cycle of heartbreak.
I fall in love I fall out I move on. And I'm tired of it.  But this time do I follow my heart even though I'm not attracted to the one who has it? Or do I stick with ol reliable?
To many decisions

Help I'm frozen
I want to thaw
I need it to stop
Make it stop
You think I give the green light
But it's red inside my head
Help me
My past is strong
The pain is real
I cannot do anything
The hurt is all I feel
Long ago the demons got me
Now I'm stuck in my head
My voice is dead
My rhyming lacks
Facts they're true
Please stop
You think it's ok
This should be my que
But I've been silenced
Help me
Stop
Your my best friend
And this is wrong
You hear nothing
Because all I am is calm
You think I want it
Because I flaunt it
But I'm haunted
Daunted
Make it stop
Internally I cry
You smile now
You don't know why
Inside I've died

bad days, lost friends, and the invention of frying.

today was not the greatest of days, first let me mention: I hate chicken. People often overlook and mistreat fast food workers. They say our jobs are ones even a monkey could do, and that we are the failures of society. What they don't realize is that yea we are at rock bottom but we also have a tough job, not only do we get to deal with angry hungry people (and BELIEVE ME when I say they can get pretty stupid) we also have alot of things that make up our job; cooking, cleaning, prep, packaging, cashiering, stocking, dishes, drivethru, lobby, trashes..it seems easy but try doing it all at once. . I'm not saying "feel bad for me" I'm not complaining. But fast food workers deserve respect to. I'm just saying next time you order be patient and say thank you. You will make their day. But enough about that. Back to today. Today I saw a familiar face, as I prepped mash potatoes for the dinner rush I couldn't shake the familiarity. It wasn't until they were leaving I realized how I knew him. And before I could say anything he blurted out "you used to pump my gas!" I said yes, I did. But what he said next really got to me. " I figured you went off to college or went somewhere in life, I take it you dont work there anymore. Huh. Well have a good day sad to see you traded one dead end for another" and he is right.i went from one dead end, to another. Whilst I dont plan on staying at KFC forever it was still a low brutal blow of honesty, and its got me pretty down. I hadn't felt like such a failure until that very moment. When I was young I wanted to be a child psychologist, I wanted to be a pianist, I wanted to be an actress, I wanted to travel, I wanted to be an architect, a dancer, a painter, a singer. Hello imaginary readers, my name is breezy and I work at KFC. Luckily as you know (being famous for it and all) I can act. I will act happy until I am ^.^ because I can't let life get me down. Their is always tommoro. That sucked but my real downess spawns from someone I love dearly and their anti breezyness. I cant stand it when people are mad at me, cant say I dont deserve it. But after everything, I didn't think I could be so easily tossed away. And the worst part is I know its permanent. It sucks even more that I have no right to be sad as I completely deserve it :-\ Sigh. I am sorry. Well imaginary readers before I go please realize, I dont hate my life. I'm not trying to be whiney. I just felt like ranting of all the woes in life and since no one reads this I feel I have that right once in a while. Besides. I'm hanging out with d and m and its definatly cheering me up ^.^ I shall continue to amuse you with my awesome wit and charm next time. I promise. Not that your going to read it anyways xD but one day when I'm rich and famous because of some crazy invention I discovered completely by accident (prolly involving the fryers XD) you will read this, and ill inevitably have to sue you for violation of privacy (jk its on the internet. NOTHING is private on the internet)

bre

beautiful day for a suicide

The flowers awakening thanking the sun
The birds singing lullaby's to their young
The people are happy basking in the glow
What do I know? What do I know?
Internal storm, a war of emotion
I've lost the battle, no longer in motion
As the world slips by
I cannot cry, I dont know why.
The grassy fields call my name.
Amongst the the trees the birds the bees
I lay me down to sleep,
The forest weeps
The rabbits look on and think,
Its a beautiful day for a suicide.

officially frozen

so I finally saw frozen, it was an amazing movie with a great message. It was so much better then brave. I see a new obsession in my future... Haha so Anyways I wrote a new poem.
its actually about a Month old. So I figure ill put it here so I have it for later. As a matter of fact I'm going to post a few more of them so I don't lose them, lets face it no one reads this anyways but you know what? That's ok XD
I like talking to myself anyways,

My pain runs deep. Criss crossed under scars
In a fragile heart covered with vile black tar
The burden so heavy of all of this pain
My life it seems is simply in vain
I'd sleep for forever
So tempting it seems
To never wake up?  continuous dreams
I take a pill to ease my will
Yet never enough is it still
I'm rushing around while your standing in place
I wish I could stop without help from an embrace.
The pill I took is kicking in reality is wearing thin
Comforting yes lonely indeed, is it so bad that numbing I need?
I wear a mask
To cover my face
Underneath I'm just a disgrace.
Save me
I'm drowning
Grasping for air
Lost in the darkness
Lost in dispair.

its a tad depressing, I know. But I was poet battling someone and I really liked what I wrote. Poetry is like music, you can tell all about someone by the music they listen to. "does this mean your suicidal depressed?" you may be wondering. Haha no. I'm just good at what I write about. Your thinking "then why did you even mention it??"..shut up imaginary reader. Its my blog. I'll write what I want!
stay tuned...im going to tell you the story of my mom. Its very personal though..so continue to be to not exist XD

irrational fears,

upon request..(hey I can make requests to myself) hear are they:
the dark
balloons
being abandoned..again
crocodiles
losing my hair
living past thirty
everyone being mad at me for things I cant control,
being forgotten

yes of all those your probably like ..."balloons really?" yes balloons. They could float away at any moment if your not careful! Its super stressful! And..WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEY POP! TO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME TO HANDLE! AHHHHHHH!

WELL back to reality now, I miss my appendix. It really never should have divorced me. How rude appendix how rude.
so I'm still not driving, and i still want to see frozen but no one will go with me XD tempted to go alone haha..wait that's a good idea!! To the theater!...... Yeah. I know. Dont even say it.

my audition to kfc.

going back to my last post you will remember that I'm rich and famous ( or at least I'm hoping its a believable lie) well I've finally cut a break! I had an audition to KFC! AND I GOT THE PART!
I know, I know, im so lucky AND its a horror film! but the part i play is the poster child for scaring your kids into finishing school and even going to college! I don't have many lines but Its still more glamorous then nothing! Some of my lines include " hey there I can help you when ever your ready!" and "did you want to add a drink to that for 1.69 more?" okay I know what your thinking "this chicks insane" but hey! I never claimed to be a somebody..wait what's that you say? I did? Oh.
well I never claimed to be sane either. Its challanging to sell chicken though, and im really only doing it as an exercise in fine tuning my acting. What your no buying it? Okay fine. I'm still living on my friends couch, but this time without the being happy with the steady boyfriend.whats worse is My life is a little on the pointless side. But that's okay! Well..no its not. I found someone I click with better, but that cant happen because he's decided to date my friend. I almost broke up with my boyfriend to, but I am glad they are happy. Speaking of chicken.. Have I mentioned how much I hate it? Take some advice. Follow your dreams and follow your heart. If you feel it say it. If you want to be someone stop at nothing until you are..or end up like me XD but hey. Dont think I'm not happy with my life. After all, I am a movie star *goes off in fantasy land with no hope of returning*..oh right in blogging. Hmm what else is going on in my life?... Hmm trying to get into driving school! Yep, I'm gonna face my fears and be a driver! *see next post for my irrational fears* well, anyways. Thanks for not reading! Your swell random citizen!